Transitions

Ahhhh, Mondays. Looking at your week stretched out endlessly before you and thinking about the next 5 days of back-breaking, mundane labor…. OK, who am I kidding? I’M NOT WORKING ANYMORE! I could say something very deep and meaningful about how I hope I can find fulfillment without being busy 24/7 anymore, but that would just be a lie. I’m incredibly excited about the fact that I’m actually going to have time for a social life, that I’ll be able to get my thesis done, and that I won’t be walking around looking crazed all the time because I’m so stressed out.

With transition usually comes a period of adjustment (at least for me it usually does). This past week I spent doing nothing productive, lounging by the pool, hanging out with friends, etc… It was fantastic, but now I’m kind of wondering what on earth I’m supposed to do with all this time on my hands.

Emotionally I’ll need this “down time”, especially once my client base picks up at the hospital. I’m not an overly emotional person, and to be frank, extended periods of emotional highs and lows just wear me out. In a client-counselor relationship, those emotional highs and lows are there every day, are higher and lower than normal, and keeping it all in that room is difficult sometimes. I’m scared I’ll bring my clients’ trauma stories home with me, that I’ll care too much and it will affect my objectivity, or that I’ll lose my faith in people when I see people who have been hurt so badly. In any case, I’m glad I’ll have the time to process it all.

So, transitions. Yep, this is a transition into a more relaxed, more grounded existence for a few months. Now, how does that make you feel?

 

Adventures in Therapy

So I guess an explanation is due. I wrote the original post on going to therapy a few months back, and rather than press “publish”, it was saved as a draft. Hmmmm, subconscious desire to avoid being vulnerable? Perhaps another way to distance myself from emotional depth? Perhaps I was simply tired and accidentally clicked “save” rather than “publish”. In any case, and moving on….

Therapy. Ahhhh, the joys of watching your problems laid bare and raking over them time after time. Dredging up old stuff that you have so neatly buried, and then staring at them for an extended period of time while you figure out what the heck to do with it now that it has been dug up again. Yea, because that’s fun. Not so much, people. It’s pretty sucky. I think one of the hardest things about therapy is the misconception. The vast majority of individuals probably think you go sit on a couch for an hour a week and talk about your problems. While that may be true, having a therapist tell you what’s wrong with you and ask “how does that make you feel?” or “how was your childhood?” just isn’t what it’s all about. It’s a lot of self-work, and that’s the crappiest kind. Why? Because you can’t lie to yourself. OK, maybe you can, but for $75/hr it behooves you to be honest with yourself and meet this stuff head-on.

So therapy is incredibly difficult, if only because it’s a bit like self-torture. Granted, the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel” is worth it, but that in-between time really wears you out. So where am I now? Not all that far from two months ago, but that’s my own fault. Sort of. It’s one thing to realize things about yourself that need work or need to change, but changing those things is an entirely different matter. I feel like someone has dumped a bunch of stuff in my arms and I’m standing around wondering what on earth to do with it all. While trying not to drop it all. In a way though, a lot of it is just my inability to accept myself where I am. Rather than say “well, that’s who I am”, I feel I need to change it. But I can’t. But I want to. But I can’t. *Frown-y face* Frustration!!! You get the picture.

Have I thought about saying “screw it” and not returning? Of course. I think of it often, especially since in the short-term it would be far easier and far less painful/agonizing/torturous. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, working in mental health puts me in a position in which I need to be sure my issues aren’t going to leak all over my clients. Not that I have deep-seeded issues that will ruin the lives of my clients, but lots of little things that may influence how I am able to help others. In any case, I’m a work in progress. But then again, who isn’t?

 

Ahhhh, Therapy!

I know, it has been far too long. Hmmmm, what’s on my mind these days? In a word, school. And a little more school.

One part of going through grad school to be a therapist is going to my own counseling. Yea. Sure, we all think “I don’t need therapy”, when in fact we all really do—badly. Addressing my “quirks” and realizing they are more than that has been so difficult! My perfectionism, my inability to truly love in romantic entanglements, my judgments of others, my scorn for organized religion (just to name a few). What really hurts is how much everything comes to the surface the more you look at it. It’s like looking at a beautiful painting and seeing a crack in the paint. Then you notice another, then another, etc… The closer you look the more you realize just how flawed that painting is, and it’s not pretty. Sure, it’s an original, it’s unique and brilliant in it’s own right. But it’s damaged, and if you’re not careful you feel like it will crumble into dust.

I’ve often waxed philosophical about my ability to compartmentalize, and most of my close friends praise my drama-free life. Feeling is not something I always do well, and that’s very no bueno in my career field. At the moment I feel overwhelmed with the cracks, and my old self screams to shut down and stop feeling. But I can’t, and it’s kinda sucky. I can’t help but picture Andy Dufresne crawling through the sewer pipe, hoping I’ll land in a nice clear pool of awesomeness (and cleanliness with a bar of soap).

 

P.S.

Not sure who the folks are who actually read my blog, but thanks for your visits. The “how many people visit your blog” thingy on my dashboard surprises me-in a good way Cheers!

 

Home Busy Home

I returned from Ohio yesterday, having visited my sister and her family for 6 days. She lives in a small town, and it is always a shock to come back to the bustling city of Atlanta after spending time there. I never truly appreciate the slow pace until I am immersed in it for a time-granted, my life is currently much more busy than I would like, but grad school will do that to you.

At one point during my visit, my 6-year-old niece overheard a conversation regarding my plans after grad school. I’m relatively certain I will be moving away from Atlanta when I am done, if only because being in the city plain wears on me. I know I will be going overseas eventually, probably a year or two after grad school (or right away, if the Lord has other plans for me). Other than that, who knows? In any case, my niece piped up with “move here, Auntie Lokimomma.” Hmmmm…yea…I’m not quite sure what on earth I would do in said city, as I’m fairly certain the job market isn’t exactly booming. I toyed with the idea for a minute, but that point of decision is so very far in the future that I cannot seriously consider it at this point. It would be wonderful to be closer to my sister and her hubby/kiddoes, but I just don’t know about uprooting and moving there. In any case, it certainly got me thinking about settling in a more rural area or at least an urban setting that is significantly smaller than Atlanta.

Really not much point to the rambling, just thought-streaming. I rarely realize how very busy life is in a large city, and I’m faced with a sense of weariness when I return to it. My schedule is insane because of work and school, and although I realize that it is a means to and end, I’m worn out most of the time. That is compounded by the pace of life here in Atlanta (it’s a sprint, not a jog). In thinking on this today, I happened to pass by one of my favorite blogs: Kisses From Katie While catching up on her life in Uganda, I realize I have no business complaining. Sure, what I’m doing right now is preparing me for a life of ministry, but WOW. Katie’s blog really helped put things in perspective, and it always humbles me. I’m certainly not saying we should all run to Africa and adopt numerous children-we all have different gifts to give. However, her walk inspires. It challenges me to truly live for Him, with every step I take. So yes, I think I can hack it for another year.

 

Advent

I’m sure everyone has reached that point in their lives where they look back at Christmas as a child and wonder where that magic went. I remember being so durn excited the week leading up to Christmas morning, barely being able to lay still in my bed the night before. I remember tearing into the living room at full speed (siblings all knocking one another into the walls, maybe some punching and tripping involved), crashing into the Christmas tree, screaming for Mom and Dad to hurry up. I remember being so wound up I couldn’t sit still (maybe this was due to the sugar high I had been riding for the past week from the cookies and candy canes), having to wait for Dad to hand out our presents. I also recall completely forgetting about said presents approximately 48 hours later.

Sure, I remember church services and all the Christmas stories that were told, too. Baby Jesus in a manger (read: Cabbage Patch Kid wrapped in dish towel), wise men lovingly gazing at Jesus (kids in huge bath robes with shoe polish on faces), Mary (with pillow shoved up shirt, not sure why because she had just given birth to Jesus) and Joseph (picking his nose, crying) sitting on stage looking terrified. But really, Christmas was about presents and candy. I once said to Dad, “I know why we give presents at Christmas. It is because the wise men brought Jesus presents.” Riiiiight, that’s why we give gifts at Christmas (insert cringe).

As I got older Christmas lost its magic, as is wont to happen. I still got vaguely excited about the gifts, but I was mainly happy to see the family (I was in the military for 6 years and rarely saw them) and enjoy the Christmas eve seafood gorge-fest we have each year. So in essence, Christmas was a good time to take leave and fly home to see everyone and eat a ton. The Christmases I spent deployed were just another day in an endless string of sand-filled days. However, we got fake ham and frozen pumpkin pie. I usually skipped that and slept in.

Nowadays Christmas is hard to enjoy sometimes. I hate that everything you see compels you to BUY, BUY, BUY! I hate that our family is starting to move away (sister and her family in Ohio), even though it’s a natural part of life. I hate struggling with coworkers to see who gets the day off work (I usually lose because I hate confrontation), and I hate feeling that I have to buy people things because it is Christmas.

In trying to really focus on Advent, I notice I often come up against a wall. With age has come a wonderful understanding (albeit a flawed, human understanding) of God’s grace, and that gift is so unbelievably precious to me (I’m a pastor’s kid, took me a while to find Him again). As I reflect on my life and my desire to live fully for Him, I can’t help but notice all the many ways I fall short of being worthy of His grace. Thus the human condition, I know. While the truth of the matter is that this is what it’s all about, I notice that my human mind sometimes cannot fully grasp it. I still find myself trying to “do” rather than “be”. In other words, be still in His presence and know with every fiber of my being that He has complete control over every aspect of my life. Know that He is fully aware of the plans He has for me, know that my doubts and my massive shortcomings are nothing compared to His mercy. Know that He hears my voice when I cry out to Him, know that He forgives. I guess that wall is more in my mind than anything else. The more I focus on Him, the more I realize how small and flawed I am. It sucks, but it rocks.

So here’s to Advent this year. May it bring me kicking and screaming closer to Him.

 

Hey Stranger!

Wow, it has certainly been a while since my last post! Life has been amazingly crazy these past few months, but it is a good crazy (at least for the most part). Let’s see…

1. Work: Love, love, love! I started my new job at the primate research center here in Atlanta a few months back, caring for and training 6 baby monkeys (holy cuteness!). For the most part it’s fantastic, although distancing myself from the power-hungry struggles of the other employees can get a tad difficult from time to time. Especially when it involves the welfare of my babies. I don’t feel I should have to struggle to have my kiddoes taken care of, but the vet staff and the behavioral management office think differently. Yee haw! It’s almost like a large game of “my hoo-hoo is bigger than yours!” I don’t care if you feel inadequate in your choice of profession, just do your job and take care of my babies please.

2. School: Wow. I mean, WOW. I feel like I eat, sleep, and breathe grad school. It is to be expected, I know, but WOW. First 8 weeks down, a gazillion to go. Our program is an intense 20-month M.S. program so everything is condensed and it is quite difficult to stay on top of things. I’ve pretty much lost any concept of a social life, but I know that the end result it worth the yuck right now and fortunately my friends understand. Still trying to decide if I want to go straight on to my doctorate or work right out of school, but I have 18 months to figure that one out so I’m going to shove that decision aside for now. I think I have enough on my plate right now.

3. Love life: HAH! I don’t have time to think much less date. I still go out from time to time, but I don’t have the time to put my energy into a relationship right now. So, that’s on hold. I kinda like it, actually. I haven’t met anyone I’d like to date long-term in a really long time, so it all works out just fine with me. My sister proposed a long-distance relationship with one of her friends a few weeks ago, but he is rather young. Long distance is good for me right now because I simply do not have the time to invest in a full-time relationship here in ATL. I think that would make me a cougar???? Hmmm……yea, dunno about that

4. Africa: Still thinking and praying about it. I’d love to go after grad school is finished, but you need to work for 3 years to get your state license so I don’t know… I’m sure I’ll be led one way or another as I reach that decision point. I think that’s something I’m learning the hard way-putting things on hold until I can actually proceed with the decision, rather than stressing out about it. Good stuff!

OK, tired of typing now.

 

Is It Nap Time Yet?

Is it ok to want to completely withdraw from the world from time to time?
Maybe it’s the prospect of facing the craziness that my life will become in just a few short weeks, or maybe it’s just my stir-craziness coming to the surface. Who knows?
My life will soon become insanely busy 24/7, and I’m worried I’ll get seriously burned out before it’s all over. I’ll be in in class on Wednesdays and Thursdays, need to set aside about 20 hours for coursework outside of class time every week, my as-yet-to-be-established schedule at Yerkes (probably 3+ days a week), then possibly keeping current job 1-2 days a week. Then lets add in the social time/family time/gym time/etc… Why have I agreed to take all this on at one time? Oh yea, because in the end it is all SO worth it. But that end point is quite a ways away, and if I’m honest I’ll admit that I’m a bit scared about whether or not I can keep it all together. I think the wisest thing to do is leave the current job once the research position at Yerkes starts-I can admit that I just don’t think I can handle it all at once. Besides, my priorities right now are education and career.

So, I’m anxious about everything, and I haven’t slept well all week (although that is because I’ve been house/dog sitting for my brother/brother’s girlfriend and their little jerk dog “Bailey” screams like a small animal being tortured promptly at 6am until I get up and let her out). I need a nap. And a vacation. But mostly a long, quiet nap. And some friggin stability, please!!! I just want routine!! And naps.

 

A Day In Review

Wow, what a fantastic (albeit stressful) week! As fall semester approaches, I find myself getting more and more anxious about the next two years. The master’s program at Brenau is very intense, but those of you who know me know that I thrive on stress. So, I’m looking forward to it. Ready to get my learn on.

But the huge news is the position I was offered on Friday. I interviewed at one of the nation’s leading research facilities here in Atlanta, and I was hired about 45 minutes later! Seeing that I want to be a researcher in the area of childhood trauma, a research position is the best thing that could happen to me at this point in time (duh). All the research I’ve done has been at the undergrad level, so this opportunity is huge. And I mean HUGE. This is the place and position that every psych researcher dreams of-people try for years to get in and get this on his/her resume. Let me also say that as I was leaving, I approached my vehicle in the parking garage and proceeded to jump around like a fool and may have squealed quite loudly. Right after, I looked up at the video surveillance cameras. Sweet. Glad my new employers got to see that So, yesterday I spent 8 hours doing online training, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Next comes the insane process of immunizations, titers, etc… Yee haw! In any case, I’m wildly excited and have been bouncing around like a moron with a huge smile plastered on my face for the last 48 hours.

The only downside was having to tell my boss that I appreciate her offer of continued employment with the company, but that I’d be leaving. Immediately. I hate that I had to do that, because I feel like a jerk for having to up and quit. I really hate it, because it’s not like me to throw people into a bind like that. But, at least she understood.

 

Dive Bars

Living in a suburb of Atlanta is wonderful-you get the best of both worlds. The awesomeness that is the city of Atlanta, and the calm laziness that is the back yard and quiet neighborhood. Last night I stayed up in the ‘burbs, choosing to forgo the bright lights of Midtown and meet up with some friends at a local dive bar. Items I need to share from my experience at the dive bar in L’ville last night:

1. Evidently it is perfectly acceptable to act out the lyrics to the song “Get Low” (Lil Jon) when you’re out in public. You may also sing along to this song whilst acting it out with an individual you just met. People like this.

2. It is considered polite for a man to walk up to a woman, grunt, and say “damm girl, you fine. You gonna buy me drink?”

3. When a woman walks up to the bar to get a beer, that actually means that she wants a man to come up behind her and attempt to grind on her/feel her up. You know she’s just waiting for that.

4. When your friend is being hit on by #2 or #3, feel free to sit back and laugh hysterically rather than helping her get away from the individual.

5. In a social setting, you are welcome to improvise for the lack of a woman at your side by grabbing your pool cue and doing dirty things with it. It is super-attractive.

6. If you are a female wearing what amounts to a street-walker’s uniform, please jump up on the bar and crawl all over it while shaking your “money maker” in men’s faces. Repeat as necessary with every male who approaches you.

I don’t know folks, maybe I’m just a prude. There are things I saw last night that I want to erase from my memory for all time. I’m 31 years old and I am still shocked by people on a weekly basis-I guess I just don’t get it? Sure, my overview of the evening is my attempt to make it all lighthearted, but I can’t help but feel saddened. There’s a good reason I don’t usually go to bars-it makes me wildly uncomfortable. Probably won’t be repeating this experience…