P.S.

Not sure who the folks are who actually read my blog, but thanks for your visits. The “how many people visit your blog” thingy on my dashboard surprises me-in a good way Cheers!

 

Home Busy Home

I returned from Ohio yesterday, having visited my sister and her family for 6 days. She lives in a small town, and it is always a shock to come back to the bustling city of Atlanta after spending time there. I never truly appreciate the slow pace until I am immersed in it for a time-granted, my life is currently much more busy than I would like, but grad school will do that to you.

At one point during my visit, my 6-year-old niece overheard a conversation regarding my plans after grad school. I’m relatively certain I will be moving away from Atlanta when I am done, if only because being in the city plain wears on me. I know I will be going overseas eventually, probably a year or two after grad school (or right away, if the Lord has other plans for me). Other than that, who knows? In any case, my niece piped up with “move here, Auntie Lokimomma.” Hmmmm…yea…I’m not quite sure what on earth I would do in said city, as I’m fairly certain the job market isn’t exactly booming. I toyed with the idea for a minute, but that point of decision is so very far in the future that I cannot seriously consider it at this point. It would be wonderful to be closer to my sister and her hubby/kiddoes, but I just don’t know about uprooting and moving there. In any case, it certainly got me thinking about settling in a more rural area or at least an urban setting that is significantly smaller than Atlanta.

Really not much point to the rambling, just thought-streaming. I rarely realize how very busy life is in a large city, and I’m faced with a sense of weariness when I return to it. My schedule is insane because of work and school, and although I realize that it is a means to and end, I’m worn out most of the time. That is compounded by the pace of life here in Atlanta (it’s a sprint, not a jog). In thinking on this today, I happened to pass by one of my favorite blogs: Kisses From Katie While catching up on her life in Uganda, I realize I have no business complaining. Sure, what I’m doing right now is preparing me for a life of ministry, but WOW. Katie’s blog really helped put things in perspective, and it always humbles me. I’m certainly not saying we should all run to Africa and adopt numerous children-we all have different gifts to give. However, her walk inspires. It challenges me to truly live for Him, with every step I take. So yes, I think I can hack it for another year.

 

Advent

I’m sure everyone has reached that point in their lives where they look back at Christmas as a child and wonder where that magic went. I remember being so durn excited the week leading up to Christmas morning, barely being able to lay still in my bed the night before. I remember tearing into the living room at full speed (siblings all knocking one another into the walls, maybe some punching and tripping involved), crashing into the Christmas tree, screaming for Mom and Dad to hurry up. I remember being so wound up I couldn’t sit still (maybe this was due to the sugar high I had been riding for the past week from the cookies and candy canes), having to wait for Dad to hand out our presents. I also recall completely forgetting about said presents approximately 48 hours later.

Sure, I remember church services and all the Christmas stories that were told, too. Baby Jesus in a manger (read: Cabbage Patch Kid wrapped in dish towel), wise men lovingly gazing at Jesus (kids in huge bath robes with shoe polish on faces), Mary (with pillow shoved up shirt, not sure why because she had just given birth to Jesus) and Joseph (picking his nose, crying) sitting on stage looking terrified. But really, Christmas was about presents and candy. I once said to Dad, “I know why we give presents at Christmas. It is because the wise men brought Jesus presents.” Riiiiight, that’s why we give gifts at Christmas (insert cringe).

As I got older Christmas lost its magic, as is wont to happen. I still got vaguely excited about the gifts, but I was mainly happy to see the family (I was in the military for 6 years and rarely saw them) and enjoy the Christmas eve seafood gorge-fest we have each year. So in essence, Christmas was a good time to take leave and fly home to see everyone and eat a ton. The Christmases I spent deployed were just another day in an endless string of sand-filled days. However, we got fake ham and frozen pumpkin pie. I usually skipped that and slept in.

Nowadays Christmas is hard to enjoy sometimes. I hate that everything you see compels you to BUY, BUY, BUY! I hate that our family is starting to move away (sister and her family in Ohio), even though it’s a natural part of life. I hate struggling with coworkers to see who gets the day off work (I usually lose because I hate confrontation), and I hate feeling that I have to buy people things because it is Christmas.

In trying to really focus on Advent, I notice I often come up against a wall. With age has come a wonderful understanding (albeit a flawed, human understanding) of God’s grace, and that gift is so unbelievably precious to me (I’m a pastor’s kid, took me a while to find Him again). As I reflect on my life and my desire to live fully for Him, I can’t help but notice all the many ways I fall short of being worthy of His grace. Thus the human condition, I know. While the truth of the matter is that this is what it’s all about, I notice that my human mind sometimes cannot fully grasp it. I still find myself trying to “do” rather than “be”. In other words, be still in His presence and know with every fiber of my being that He has complete control over every aspect of my life. Know that He is fully aware of the plans He has for me, know that my doubts and my massive shortcomings are nothing compared to His mercy. Know that He hears my voice when I cry out to Him, know that He forgives. I guess that wall is more in my mind than anything else. The more I focus on Him, the more I realize how small and flawed I am. It sucks, but it rocks.

So here’s to Advent this year. May it bring me kicking and screaming closer to Him.