I know, it has been far too long. Hmmmm, what’s on my mind these days? In a word, school. And a little more school.
One part of going through grad school to be a therapist is going to my own counseling. Yea. Sure, we all think “I don’t need therapy”, when in fact we all really do—badly. Addressing my “quirks” and realizing they are more than that has been so difficult! My perfectionism, my inability to truly love in romantic entanglements, my judgments of others, my scorn for organized religion (just to name a few). What really hurts is how much everything comes to the surface the more you look at it. It’s like looking at a beautiful painting and seeing a crack in the paint. Then you notice another, then another, etc… The closer you look the more you realize just how flawed that painting is, and it’s not pretty. Sure, it’s an original, it’s unique and brilliant in it’s own right. But it’s damaged, and if you’re not careful you feel like it will crumble into dust.
I’ve often waxed philosophical about my ability to compartmentalize, and most of my close friends praise my drama-free life. Feeling is not something I always do well, and that’s very no bueno in my career field. At the moment I feel overwhelmed with the cracks, and my old self screams to shut down and stop feeling. But I can’t, and it’s kinda sucky. I can’t help but picture Andy Dufresne crawling through the sewer pipe, hoping I’ll land in a nice clear pool of awesomeness (and cleanliness with a bar of soap).
