So I guess an explanation is due. I wrote the original post on going to therapy a few months back, and rather than press “publish”, it was saved as a draft. Hmmmm, subconscious desire to avoid being vulnerable? Perhaps another way to distance myself from emotional depth? Perhaps I was simply tired and accidentally clicked “save” rather than “publish”. In any case, and moving on….
Therapy. Ahhhh, the joys of watching your problems laid bare and raking over them time after time. Dredging up old stuff that you have so neatly buried, and then staring at them for an extended period of time while you figure out what the heck to do with it now that it has been dug up again. Yea, because that’s fun. Not so much, people. It’s pretty sucky. I think one of the hardest things about therapy is the misconception. The vast majority of individuals probably think you go sit on a couch for an hour a week and talk about your problems. While that may be true, having a therapist tell you what’s wrong with you and ask “how does that make you feel?” or “how was your childhood?” just isn’t what it’s all about. It’s a lot of self-work, and that’s the crappiest kind. Why? Because you can’t lie to yourself. OK, maybe you can, but for $75/hr it behooves you to be honest with yourself and meet this stuff head-on.
So therapy is incredibly difficult, if only because it’s a bit like self-torture. Granted, the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel” is worth it, but that in-between time really wears you out. So where am I now? Not all that far from two months ago, but that’s my own fault. Sort of. It’s one thing to realize things about yourself that need work or need to change, but changing those things is an entirely different matter. I feel like someone has dumped a bunch of stuff in my arms and I’m standing around wondering what on earth to do with it all. While trying not to drop it all. In a way though, a lot of it is just my inability to accept myself where I am. Rather than say “well, that’s who I am”, I feel I need to change it. But I can’t. But I want to. But I can’t. *Frown-y face* Frustration!!! You get the picture.
Have I thought about saying “screw it” and not returning? Of course. I think of it often, especially since in the short-term it would be far easier and far less painful/agonizing/torturous. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, working in mental health puts me in a position in which I need to be sure my issues aren’t going to leak all over my clients. Not that I have deep-seeded issues that will ruin the lives of my clients, but lots of little things that may influence how I am able to help others. In any case, I’m a work in progress. But then again, who isn’t?
