Lazy Days

Sitting on the porch having an afternoon cup of coffee is quite close to perfection. It’s 65 degrees and sunny outside, nothing I have to do today, watching the sparse clouds drift around the sky, thinking about things in general. Someone sent me a really fitting quote a few days ago:

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.” -Unknown

People who know me know that I enjoy thinking and talking about and dealing with emotions about as much as the average person enjoys a root canal. So, I have this marvelous ability to just pack it all away in the recesses of my mind and not deal with it until I’m good and ready to. Needless to say, the current situation will probably pass without my really dealing with it. I liken it all to going up into the attic and taking down that really awesome toy/dress/game/etc… that you absolutely adored once upon a time. As amazing as it still is, you realize that it’s not really yours and probably never will be, and it hits you right in the gut. So what should I do? The only thing I can do-in a few days I’ll put it right back up on the shelf in that attic and walk away. I mean, what else can I do? It’s better than not knowing, but it’s still sucky.
I guess when it really comes down to it, I can’t wait on something that won’t happen, and I can’t hold on to something that isn’t what I need or deserve. So, I guess it will just be a very, very sweet memory, and that’s where it will have to stay. But that’s life, right? Bring on the distractions, people! I’m going to need them

 

Hello, mirror…

Don’t you just hate when you realize things about yourself that aren’t so nice? I know we all have certain quirks/mannerisms/etc… that probably make our loved ones cringe and/or silently scream but for love of the person we accept those things and plough on. I had a very dear loved one help me realize some items about my personality that are not so bueno, so now I’m looking at myself a bit differently. So how does one start to change those things? Especially those things that are very deep-seeded ways of thinking (probably from childhood)?
For example:
I tend to have an inability to cope with emotions.
Example: someone is crying/distraught
My reaction: get very uncomfortable
Example: I feel a strong emotion
My reaction: maintain composure (gotta save face, ya know?) and not bring it up

Granted, there are things about me that will never change. I certainly cannot try to change every facet of myself that may be unpleasant. After all, I am human and if we were all the same life would be seriously boring. But where to begin? Perhaps I am too concerned with what I believe others’ expectations of me to be, and I feel I am trying to live up to those expectations? Ahhh, good times