I Love

I love:

Laughing until my stomach hurts
Snuggling with Loki, god of terriers
Christ
The smell of burning wood when it is cold outside
Watching two old people walk down the street hand-in-hand
Strong Columbian coffee at 6am or 6pm
Hearing “I love you, auntie ‘Ree”
Ibuprofen when I had WAY too much fun last night
Stumbling across old pictures of very good friends
Putting on those rockin’ skinny jeans, and they fit
Walking in a wide open field at sundown
That shaky feeling after a really hard workout
Hugging my childhood teddy bear as I fall asleep
A really warm down blanket when the room is freezing cold
Talking for hours with a really close friend
Driving down the interstate with the windows down and sunroof open
Wearing super-fun-print socks
Authentic paella
Unsweet iced tea
80′s music
Funky Cold Medina
Laying in the hammock all afternoon with a good book
Savannah at night
Asheville anytime
Realizing all that glitters is certainly not gold
That people on reality TV make me feel better about myself
That I speak another language
That God gave me an amazing mind
That I love life
That I have no regrets
Watching the Olympics and the amazing athletes participating
Spongebob Squarepants
Being able to laugh at myself
Being able to laugh at my mistakes
Grace

 

Deep Thoughts for Wednesday

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
- Anais Nin

I’m feeling very philosophical this week (full moon maybe?), right? Wondering what to do with certain things in my life. No specifics out here for everyone to see, but general ideas are ok I guess.

1. Grad school-where? Options: Ivy League, Mid-Level, Local.
2. Moving soon-house or apartment? Close to work or close to friends? (no, can’t have both)
3. Do I want highlights, or lowlights, or nothing? (ok, not so deep, but its on my mind)
4. Thinking of taking a break from my love life (took a year hiatus a few years back, was really good)? Need to “re-group”, decide what I want.
5. Shakespeare Tavern (best friend and I want to go see Canterbury Tales) or Dad’s Garage (soooo funny)?
6. I love shoes (I kind of have a shoe problem)-do I need to hit DSW this weekend and get these? (preferably in black or red, but maybe the blue…)
7. Do I drop my weekend plans and go to the cabin to get away for a bit?
8. Why doesn’t my dear friend understand that if he really cared for her he would man-up and show it/tell her? I have no patience for this. Seriously. The game is retarded people, grow up.
9. Book of Eli or Avatar? (everyone says Avatar is good, but Gary Oldman is my favorite actor. Hmmmmm…..)

OK, tired of typing now.

 

A Nun’s Life??

It has certainly been a “deep” couple of months as far as emotions are concerned. My significant other and I parted ways in December, which in retrospect seems to have been a good decision. Losing yourself in someone else is never a good idea-I found myself squelching parts of my personality and my ambitions/desires/needs to make the road less rocky. Finally getting to that point where you just can’t do it anymore sucks, and it hurts-a lot. I hated that feeling of being 31 and single again, of not having that other person there for support and comfort. Unfortunately, security does not equal happiness, and trying to be something or someone you’re not makes for a crappy existence. I refuse to spend my life in any situation where I am not myself and not excited about life. I hate that he hurts, but staying in that situation for the sake of comfort and security had reached a point where it affected so many parts of life that my friends commented that I wasn’t myself anymore.
So I guess the question is where to go from here. I love my life right now-I have wonderful friends who love me deeply and a family that rocks my face. Part of me wants to be a hermit or a nun or something-I’m tired of wanting something out of a partner that just doesn’t seem to exist. I look at a lot of my married friends, and while some are blissfully happy, many are completely bored with one another. I don’t want an apathetic life, but it would seem that the whole premise of a long-term relationship is the eventual plateau of all things fun. Very no bueno. On the other hand, I certainly don’t want to be some skanky cougar, so where is the compromise here? And what if that person who just plain “fits” doesn’t really exist?
Ahhhhh, confusion. Gotta love it. That’s what you get when you stay up late with your roommate and a bottle of Shiraz-too much deep conversation and pondering life’s mysteries.