My Theme Song

So, I was tagged in a note on Facebook in which a close friend outlined her friends’ theme songs. Apparently, mine is “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz.
I’ve heard the song a few times on the radio but never really paid attention, so I proceeded to listen in. Yeeeeaaaa, I’m a bit offended. That is completely ludicrous.

When asked about my new label, my friend promised me she meant no offense by it. So maybe I am being a bit sensitive. However, I don’t see that my having dated a lot should earn me the title of “heartbreaker”. That’s just kind of silly. Granted, I had my “run through them” mentality for a while when I was younger, but I didn’t know what I wanted in a relationship. Once I passed my mid-twenties though, I realized what I want in a man, and I don’t see the point in wasting my time (or someone else’s) by dating people with whom I can’t see a future. OK, I’ll give you that I’ll date solely for fun sometimes, and I’ll even give you that I do have a tendency to be the person who ends it, but certainly not all the time. I’ve been hurt too, dangit! In any case, why should I feel bad for knowing what I want and not compromising on that? Every time I have compromised it has ended badly, and by badly I mean that I hurt someone. I don’t want to do that to someone, so why even let it get that far?

Yes, I’m offended and a tad saddened that I’m seen as a “heartbreaker” by my friend (and yes, I’m aware of how absolutely ridiculous that sounds). In any case, the song is catchy.

 

A Nun’s Life??

It has certainly been a “deep” couple of months as far as emotions are concerned. My significant other and I parted ways in December, which in retrospect seems to have been a good decision. Losing yourself in someone else is never a good idea-I found myself squelching parts of my personality and my ambitions/desires/needs to make the road less rocky. Finally getting to that point where you just can’t do it anymore sucks, and it hurts-a lot. I hated that feeling of being 31 and single again, of not having that other person there for support and comfort. Unfortunately, security does not equal happiness, and trying to be something or someone you’re not makes for a crappy existence. I refuse to spend my life in any situation where I am not myself and not excited about life. I hate that he hurts, but staying in that situation for the sake of comfort and security had reached a point where it affected so many parts of life that my friends commented that I wasn’t myself anymore.
So I guess the question is where to go from here. I love my life right now-I have wonderful friends who love me deeply and a family that rocks my face. Part of me wants to be a hermit or a nun or something-I’m tired of wanting something out of a partner that just doesn’t seem to exist. I look at a lot of my married friends, and while some are blissfully happy, many are completely bored with one another. I don’t want an apathetic life, but it would seem that the whole premise of a long-term relationship is the eventual plateau of all things fun. Very no bueno. On the other hand, I certainly don’t want to be some skanky cougar, so where is the compromise here? And what if that person who just plain “fits” doesn’t really exist?
Ahhhhh, confusion. Gotta love it. That’s what you get when you stay up late with your roommate and a bottle of Shiraz-too much deep conversation and pondering life’s mysteries.